I failed today..

as a mother. I've been exhausted lately, and literally fall asleep until like noon. Why? I couldn't tell you. I have my hypothyroidism but I've been taking my medicine like I should be and everything. My only thing that would sense is that 1. I need my medication increased again or 2. I'm pregnant!! As much as I would love to be pregnant, I would probably freak out a little bit too. We've been 'trying' for a couple months now and not even trying all that hard. heath works a lot so it's hard for us to try to have a baby. Plus, with my bad day today, I was thinking about all the what if's. What if he doesn't get a job with TVA? What if I am pregnant? What if this all doesn't work out how it's supposed? What if, what if..I need Heath to get that job with TVA because it would make out lives so much better. 

Anyways, I feel like my patience was so very thin today. Braxton was driving me crazy. I feel like I failed as a mother today. Yes, I love him. Yes, I showed him love (I do everyday!!) but I still feel like I could be better. I don't have someone to tell me I'm doing ok. That I'm succeeding even though I feel like I'm not. I hate that this is how I feel some days. Other days, I'm ok. I don't beat myself up over this kind of stuff. So, why today? Why now?

Does it ever get better?

How? Why? I'll never understand.

I'm nowhere near a perfect mother or person. I make plenty of mistakes. I had a child before I expected to. I yell, I cry, I get frustrated almost daily, I lose my patience almost daily as well, I struggle, and I regret some of my decisions- but one I'll never regret is having my little boy. He is my world. He has made me a much better person. As I watch other mothers and children, I can't help but think of how lucky I and Braxton are to have each other. I don't think I'm even a good mother, I think there are a lot of people out there who are better mothers or who would make better mothers than me. There are also people out there who are worse than I am and that saddens me so much! 
How can you not hug and kiss your child? (I'll admit, I do it probably too often but I can't help it!!)
How can you expect your child (who's around 2/3) to be perfect? They're bound to make mistakes. 
How can you just let someone else take care of your children and have the nerve to say to me "it's hard with 2 but I'm doing it on my own" when I know you're not. 

It makes me so sad for those kids. It makes me hug and kiss Braxton a little more because I know how blessed I am. No, Braxton isn't perfect, he's a little hellion sometimes but I love him. He's a part of me and he's my and my husband's responsibility. There are some things in this world that I cannot fathom and that's one of them. I just want to ask how? why? I'll never understand it. 

A child didn't ask to be brought into this world. That was on the parents and it's sad how many parents don't step up to the plate. There are couples out there who want nothing more than to have a baby and can't or have to work very hard at it. How many more times can I mention how sad it makes me? ;)

Children are mistreated everyday for years. Children die everyday. I love my son everyday and try to be the best for him. How can everyone else not do that? 

Family Fun!!

Heath's stepmom was up for Craig's balloon release and she stayed for about a week and she wanted to go to Pigeon Forge for a couple days and hang out. Thankfully, Heath had the three days off since he gave away a shift so we had some quality family time too, which was much needed!! We didn't really do a whole lot..just hung out by the pool and went to the Rainforest Adventures Zoo there. The kids had a blast, though and we all enjoyed our time together- so it was a success! :) 

Of course, I take a ton of pictures because I don't want to forget memories and my family up north and down south and all over the place like to see the pictures- so I can't disappoint. ;) Of course, there are some memories that are in my head and not on camera and for that, I'm ok with.

Just a couple of collages full of pictures for y'all! :) What can I say? I love them. I wish I would have gotten a family picture but we were busy just having a great time & enjoying the company of each other.

love always.

-kj

Father's Day!

So, I know this is late and everything but life just seems to fly by me as I try to play catch up with everything else. So, Heath had to work on Father's Day so Braxton and I were in Chattanooga and got to spend some time with my amazing daddy. :) Yes, I wish we could have spent time with Heath and everything but that is life as an EMT. 

Anyways, we celebrated Father's Day with my dad by going to church, and then going to Big River Grill! We got my dad some beer (can't go wrong with it!) and had a great weekend hanging out with family.

We then came back home and saw Heath at work for a bit and gave him his present. I don't know about him, but I just love it!! I don't have a picture of it but I was really happy that it showed up in time for Father's Day! :) SCORE!!

Just a picture of my dad with his half of his girls (the other two weren't there..obviously!) & a collage of a pretty amazing daddy to Braxton. I love these two guys more than anyone can know. They're my heroes. :) And I know that Braxton looks up to these two guys..as I hope he always does because they truly are amazing men. 

love always
-kj

Water Park Fun!!

So, Braxton and I came to Chattanooga this weekend because Heath is literally working all weekend. all dang weekend. Don't get me wrong, the money is nice but I miss him. I miss having him home and I miss having a husband, Brax's daddy, and my cook. ;) I know it's hard on him working 24 hours a day for 6 days but it's hard for us too. It's hard to pretty much be a single parent while he's gone. 

Anyways, my sister, Becki, came in this weekend from Nashville so we went to the water park with Braxton. It was so much fun!! It was cheap and he couldn't have had more fun! Besides the fact that he just loves the water, he had a blast at the "spray park". It was perfect for him!!! Of course, here are some pictures!

Now, I'm not all about the summer in Tennessee because it's so bloody hot!!! But when we're able to go to the pool and cool off- it's so nice. I love hanging out with these ladies and it does give me a little extra break. It also wears Braxton out quite a bit- so that's always a plus. :)

Ok, another post tomorrow because it's Father's Day!! Hope you are ready for some gushy stuff! :P

Until then...
love always.
-kj 

Missing You Always..

A year ago on June 13, 2013, my future brother-in-law was killed in a horrific accident. I've been around death before, my grandfather died a few years ago, but I expected it. This one wasn't expected, he was young and had so much life to live left. He had a wife and daughter that was left to pick up the pieces of their lives and a mother, brother, & all kinds of other relatives. It was the hardest death I've ever had to deal with in my lifetime. He was an awesome guy..took care of his family first, he was a family guy. He was a loving and honest guy. Craig was an amazing guy and is missed every single day and will never be forgotten. 

As his anniversary came, Ryan (his wife) wanted to do a balloon release in memory of him, so that's what we did..these are some pictures. 

There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't somehow cross my mind but I know he's in a much better place, looking down on us. 

Always in my heart, Craig Eugene Lisk. <3

love always.
-kj

UPDATE!!!

It's been a while since I've last posted but I guess I've just been kind-of busy. We've been to Nashville to visit Becki..to say we had a blast would be an understatement. We pretty much spent the weekend at the pool because I'm pretty sure Braxton is a fish. :P

And then, my amazing sister, surprised me of getting our sister tattoo. I was so excited and so dang nervous! It's been 5 years since I got my last (and first) tattoo but it wasn't really all that bad and I have to say- it turned out amazing! So I couldn't be happier. :)

"Together forever & never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart." & Becki designed the rocks herself..because we're each other's rocks in life. :) keeping each other grounded. Wouldn't be the person I am without her! 

And then last weekend we were in Chattanooga and Braxton finally got his hair cut!!! He looks so old and like such a young boy! I cannot believe it. I'm not sure how fast he's growing. I miss my baby. More than anything!!

Doesn't he look so old? But how cute is that mohawk?! I love it!! <3 He looks so cute!! Ahhh!!! Can't even get over it. It didn't last very long though because he wouldn't leave it alone. haha! 

Okay, well off I go! Have a good night y'all! ;)

love always.

-kj