We met young..

I'm not a '16 and Pregnant' girl but I'm still a young mom. I got pregnant when I was 20 and became a mommy when I was 21. Do you know who I was before I was pregnant? I was in Medical Assisting school, working at Applebee's, still new to Tennessee, and trying to make friends. In making friends, I was then back to my old "habits" and drinking pretty much every weekend and "partying". Coming from Wisconsin, it was nothing new to me. I started drinking when I was 15, as I'm sure, a lot of Wisconsinites did. The only difference of my drinking in Tennessee is that I drank a lot more..I couldn't tell you why, but I did. I don't know if I was trying to prove something but I, often times, couldn't remember what happened the night before. Did it bother me? Honestly, no. I was 20! I was having fun..this is what your 20's are for, aren't they? Sure, I was still 'underage' but I'd been underage my whole life..it never stopped me before. Anyways, eventually, I met Heath, and settled down into a relationship with him. That, however, didn't stop my partying. We were still young and every weekend (if he wasn't working) we'd usually meet up somewhere and drink the weekend away. It was not a big deal for us to do it. And honestly..I don't regret it. I was having fun and I did have fun! I had my years of fun, I guess you could say. 

When I got pregnant, the partying had settled down because Heath and I were actually involved in our relationship now. We weren't together very long before I got pregnant and it was hard..for both of us. Although, I knew I always wanted to be a mother and a young one, at that, I don't think I 1. realized it would happen so fast! and 2. that it'd be with someone I had practically just met. We were surprised, shocked, scared, terrified, and a little excited. My sister had just had her baby and I loved being an auntie and knew I'd love being a mommy..but I don't think I realized how hard it would be. 

I didn't celebrate my 21st birthday like everyone else usually does. I was as big as a house. (literally!) We just went out to dinner and called it a night. I was 7 months pregnant and about ready to have this baby! I don't go out, like ever, to parties anymore. I have a child to think of now. If I do go out, it's with Heath and our friends and it's usually just dinner and some drinks. I no longer even drink now because when I was pregnant, just the smell of alcohol made me want to puke. If I drink, I'll drink a strawberry dacquari and that's about it. I think I've done a 360 and I still think I have so much to work on as a person, mother, and wife. I'm nowhere near perfect but I try. I've always tried..in everything that I do. I'm not the perfect mother, but I try to not lose my patience with Braxton as much. I try to remember he is only 2 and doesn't fully understand everything. I try not to yell at him too much because I don't want him to remember that. I try to keep the house clean but let's be honest, that's just not fun and hard to do with a 2-year-old! Our house really isn't big enough for me to keep 'clean'. We have crap everywhere because we have nowhere else to put it. =/ I don't try 100% everyday..but there are some days where I do and do you think it gets noticed? Nope! It's hard. 

It's hard to be a good mother, it's hard to be a paramedic's wife, and it's hard to be a good person all the time. There are days where I want to crawl in a hole and be left alone so I can just think and sleep and run away. But I can't anymore. Braxton 75% relies on me (he's very independent..). I can't just leave and run away, I have a husband (that's still weird for me!) to "take care of" and a child to love, to care for, to show life to. There are days where I do just lay around and do nothing and cuddle with Braxton and you know what? I think that's OK. He's not going to be little forever and I want him to always know how much I love and care for him. 

We might have met a little earlier in life..but I think that Braxton saved me. He saved me from my partying ways, which the rate I was going, who knows where I would have ended up. He made me realize what life was really all about. He made me become closer with my parents and God. He's showing me how to live everyday and for that, I couldn't be more thankful. I'll be forever grateful for him. 

Thank you, God, for giving me the greatest joy and love I've ever known. To my Braxy boy- I hope you always know how much I love you and will always love you, no matter what. You will always be my little boy. 

love always.

-k